Taking a Step Back

**Warning: This post was written last week, it’s just taken me a while to get it posted…

I’m just going to be really honest. The last few weeks have been extremely hard, emotionally, physically, spiritually, just everything. It might not seem like this if you’ve seen me, but I feel like, my heart has been playing tug of war between sadness, excitement, anxiety, and expectation. The emotional roller coaster I’ve been riding is exhausting. It takes everything I have to keep my head above the water. Now, even though this is a real thing that has been happening, it doesn’t, in any way, take away from the genuine happiness and joy I have experienced while being home and seeing family and friends. Along with this internal struggle, the last few days have brought a new external struggle. My visa is proving to be more difficult to receive than it was last time, and there added costs that were unexpected.

This morning I was sitting and talking to God about all of this. I was telling Him how much I was struggling to remember His truth and trust Him when things around me felt so discouraging. I was trying to figure out why I was having so much trouble hearing His voice. What was I doing wrong? A text from a friend reminded me of a simple word “thanksgiving”. I realized that I had been so self-focused on what I neededand how I was feeling, and what was difficult forme, that I hadn’t been living in a spirit of thankfulness. I immediately repented for the ways I had focused on myself and not on God, and for not actually being grateful for all of the things He has given me.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in what is happening in front of us and take our eyes off of the big picture, God’s picture. His story is so much bigger than we know, we have to take a step back (or several thousand steps) to get a glimpse of His plan. Each time I take the time to step back from myself and my own mess, I’m overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

This is an excerpt from my journal this morning, it feels very personal to share, but I pray God uses these words to touch your heart as much as He touched mine.

“Jesus, right now I’m really struggling. Things feel so hard, it’s like wading through quick sand. I feel like I’m not getting anywhere, and I’m wracking my mind for why. I’m sorry for not being thankful, for not taking time to thank you and thank the people around me. Lord, give me a heart of thankfulness. Thank you, Lord, for the experiences I had, thank you for allowing me to travel the world and meet so many people. Thank you for all the friends I have made and for the new family I have. Thank you for putting a call on my life and for revealing parts of it to me. Thank you, Lord, for all the people who love and support me, who pray for me and encourage me. I am so thankful for the community you have given me. Thank you for taking care of me in literally every way. I don’t deserve all of the ways that you bless me, not even close, but you still do it, you never stop. Jesus, I’m so sorry for being ungrateful, I never want to do this again, it feels terrible to be so self-centered and blind to all of my blessings. Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to this sin in my life, please wipe it away from me. Please continue to shape and refine me, I never want to feel like I’m a finished work.”

My prayer for myself and all of you is that as we step into this new year and all the temptations come to set plans and goals of who we want to be or what we want to do, we would remember first to be thankful for who we already are and for what we are already doing. God pours out His blessings over us every day, some days they are harder to notice than others, but they are always there. My encouragement to you is no matter how you’re feeling today about yourself, your current life, or God, take a few minutes to thank Him. Sometimes it starts off slow, and you can’t think of many things, but the more you do it, the more you will remember (and if you have trouble, just ask Him to remind you!).

I love you guys and I am so unbelievably thankful for the community God has given me. I am so completely and utterly blessed!! More updates to come soon:)