Week 3: God sees the carrot...

Rachel held up a piece of bread and said what do you see? To which we all replied "Bread". She proceeded to tell us, "No, this is not bread, it's a carrot". After a few seconds of thoroughly enjoying our confused faces, she took the bread and broke it in half, revealing the inside. And to our surprise, there it was, the carrot. Then she said, "we see bread, but God sees the carrot". Such silly words, with such profound meaning. We see what's on the outside, we see the parts of people they want to display and we see the parts of ourselves that WE want to display. But God, God sees what's inside, God sees the carrot.

This week we have been learning about repentance and forgiveness. Did you just cringe? I know I did when I first heard the topic. I knew it meant we would be talking about that nasty word...SIN. And don't we all get a little nervous to talk about that. I heard this week described by others as "my favorite topic", "cleaning house week", and "freedom week". Although all of these descriptions sound pretty positive in nature, my insides still twisted thinking about it. I have to admit I went into Monday with an attitude of wanting to know every single sin in my life so that I could deal with them and be DONE. Wow, that was so dumb. I actually went into this week with an attitude of striving, so let's just say repentance for me started a little bit early!

One of my main struggles is finding the difference between conviction and condemnation. Condemnation says, "you should be better". Condemnation says, "why can't you be more like her". Condemnation says, "It's no use, you're already broken, dirty, useless". Condemnation brings guilt, fear, and self-loathing. Condemnation is not from God. Conviction is different. Conviction is that small feeling in your heart that something is wrong. Conviction says, "there is something better". Conviction says, "this will hurt you, but I will love you". Conviction says, "your actions don't change who you are". Conviction is from God. God gives us conviction out of the abundance of His love. Condemnation says, "you should be afraid", conviction says, "perfect love casts out fear".

This week we talked a lot about sin, like a lot. And it can be really tempting to give into condemnation and let feelings of guilt, shame, self-hatred, and fear take over, but that's not why God reveals sin to us. He doesn't show us our sin so He can stand over us and say, "Look at you terrible human, you messed up AGAIN, when are you ever going to learn, you might as well not even try", no it is not in God's nature to speak that way. God reveals sin not because sin is "bad" but because sin is what separates us from Him. Sin breaks relationship. Think back to a broken relationship in your life, chances are sin was involved in that separation, just like it is when we feel separated from God.

After a long week of talking about sin and searching our own lives and hearts, we had what is fondly called "application day" on Friday. We were given the chance to repent of our sins and nail them to a cross. I don't know about you guys, but this is something I've done many of times, whether it be at camp, or a Good Friday service, I have been through this process before. But this time was different. The room was set up with 3 chairs in the corner and the rest of the room faced the 3 chairs. They explained the process to us earlier in the week, so we had a bit of time to mentally prepare, but I don't think any of us had a clue as to what God was going to do that day. Each person was given a turn to sit in the middle chair, our staff member and the speaker for the week (Rachel) sat on either side of us, and we each held a piece of paper where we had written out all of our sins. We could have sat there and silently repented to God for everything we had done, and you know what, He would have forgiven us. Yeah, we could have done that, but we didn't. One after one we each sat in that chair and publicly, audibly repented of our sins, things that had happened years ago, things that happened days ago, things we had never told anyone else. And we cried. We cried for ourselves, we cried for each other, we cried because we finally realized how much our sin breaks God's heart.

I remember the point when my heart broke during my confession. I was confessing sins like comparison and judgement and then God revealed this underlying theme of self-hatred. I lost it. I sat there and cried and cried because I realized that how I see myself is NOT how God sees me. When I look at something He created and basically think, that's trash, and it could've been so much better, WOW, that hurts Him so much. He created me. He created every part of me, and every part is on purpose. I don't think I ever realized that my negative thoughts about myself hurt more than just me, they hurt God.

After we finished our confessions we nailed our papers to the cross, but this part was different too. Every other time I have done this it has been incredibly secretive. Everyone gets their little piece of paper and writes their sins super small then folds up the paper like 3 times before nailing it to the cross (that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point). This time one-by-one we nailed our papers open faced, some even with our names at the top, to the cross. It was an incredibly freeing moment. When your sin is out in the open, there is no room for condemnation, there is no room for guilt, shame, self-hatred, or fear.

So often we hear that voice that says, "if they knew who you really are, if they knew what you were thinking, if they knew what you have done--then they wouldn't love you, then they wouldn't want you". On Friday I said all those things I have always been too afraid to say, and surprisingly enough the room didn't clear out, I wasn't met with judgmental stares or whispers, no, I was met with loving embraces and a stack of notes flooded with acceptance and encouragement. Fear is so powerful, but what would happen if we weren't afraid? What would happen if I said no to fear? What would happen if you said no to fear? It would change me, it would change you, it would change literally EVERYTHING.

Thank you guys for being so supportive of me on this crazy adventure! I have heard back from a few people about how this blog has spoken to them, and I just feel so privileged that God is speaking through me. Please continue to pray for me and my team. Several people are still trusting for finances and a few of our leaders still need money before we leave for Budapest next Saturday, so please be praying for a release of finances over them and if you feel led to give to them please let me know! One of the girls on our team is waiting to get her visa for Budapest, please be praying for it to come by Wednesday!

I am so unbelievably grateful for all of you encouragement and prayers and I love getting to share my stories with you!

Just a reminder for those of you who pledged to support me monthly, you can mail checks to my house or send them to my church (just make sure to write it to City Church and put my name on the memo line).