Week 2: Part 2

On Saturday morning I had coffee with Laura and we were able to talk about what God has been doing in our lives this week. It was a really sweet time of sharing and encouragement. I think the thing we have been most affected by is God's goodness and His incredible desire to be close to us.

This week we have been learning from Ari about the nature and character of God -- another huge topic! Ari is part of the leadership team here on base and is involved with intercession for the different schools and leaders. He explained how God's nature is who He is and His character is what He chooses to do. For example, God is infinite (nature) and God chooses to be merciful (character).

This week at Friday night meeting (what equates to a church service on base) we had an amazing time of worship. I came into the meeting feeling tired, and overwhelmed from the day. There was nothing specific I felt overwhelmed about, I just felt really emotionally drained. As we started worshiping, God really spoke to me, He wanted to heal a hurt in my heart, something that had been there for 14 years.

*Back story: We were asked to pray and decide where we wanted to go on outreach, and then tell our leaders 24 hours later. They asked us not to talk to each other about our decisions so we wouldn't sway anyone else. Once we told them what we had picked, we thought we were free to tell each other. I found out later we were not. When I found out I had unintentionally gone against their wishes I felt absolutely terrible. I ended up telling one of the leaders and apologizing, saying I just don't want you to be disappointed with me...

During worship I was reflecting back on this conversation; she had replied, "we are absolutely not disappointed with you"...my only thought was, why not? I sat on my knees crying into my hands as everyone worshipped around me and that's when I realized I believed that I disappoint God when I make mistakes, I believed that God was disappointed in me. I just cried. I asked God why? Why do I believe this lie? And He showed me a picture of myself as an 8-year-old little girl. My teacher that year was one of my favorites; and one day, I was goofing off in class and got in trouble. I can still feel how my little spirit just crumbled in that moment. A part of my heart was broken because I felt I had disappointed her. So, I grew up absolutely terrified of disappointing authority. I grew up absolutely terrified of disappointing God. And after 14 years, God decided He was done with that.

I remember just crying thinking about the multitude of times I felt like I had disappointed or been a disappointment and God was just saying, this was not what I had for you, I never meant for you to feel this way, I want to heal it. As God just washed my hurt away, I started crying even harder, but the reason was different. I was in absolute and total awe of how much God loves me. Wow, not only was He NOT disappointed in me, but He was so upset about the fact that I believed this lie, He chased me down and healed my hurt. That's how much He wants a right relationship with me; that's how much He wants a right relationship with you. He is relentless for His children's hearts.

I think the thing that struck me the most about this situation was that God didn't have to do it. I already felt close to God, I didn't consciously feel tension in my relationship with Him. He could have let me go on the rest of my life believing this lie and I would have been none the wiser. But that wasn't good enough for Him. He is continuously drawing me closer and closer to His heart, breaking off the broken pieces and filling the holes with His love. He is so good, I literally cannot comprehend it. As I sat crying my eyes out last night all I could think was God you are so good to me.

God you are so good.