The Real Cost

I've started writing a few posts over the last few weeks and just haven't been able to make them into anything that feels complete. So much has happened and every time I start to write about it I feel overwhelmed. But a few things happened this past week that I really need to share. I will try my best to put what feels like an indescribable thing into words.

Amy (our school’s leader) taught last week’s lectures on the topic of Lordship—This word probably sounds pretty foreign to most of you, as it was for me, but let me unpack it the best I know how.

Imagine that within every person there is a throne and on that throne sits whatever you put there. This is the thing that rules over your life. It is the reason you make the decisions that you make, the reason you feel the emotions that you feel, it is what you serve in your thoughts, words, and actions. It is the Lord over your life.

On the first day Amy asked us this question, “What is sitting on the throne of your life?” We all know the right answer…It’s Jesus, right?? Well, it should be anyway, but when she posed that question, Jesus was most certainly not my answer.

My immediate, gut response to this question was like a loud scream in my head. Just one word came to mind, "ME! I sit on the throne of my life." I was shocked at how quickly my spirit recognized this. It was scary actually! I would have hoped that I was a least somewhat deceived to think God might actually sit on my throne, but no! Every part of me knew that wasn’t the case. This realization hit me like a truck and for the rest of the week this is what marinated in my mind.

“Salvation is free, but Lordship will cost you everything.” —Amy

I didn’t know how true these words were. On Monday they were just words, on Friday they birthed actions that have undoubtably changed my life. God’s question to us is, “Do I have your heart, your affection, your loyalty?” My most precious possession is my relationship with Jesus. Do I believe this is true? Because if I do, it should affect every single bit of my life and who I am.

“Whatever has the highest value in our life, everything else serves it.” —Amy

As I was searching myself for the answer to this question, the answer itself wasn't quite as surprising or confronting as the sheer number of answers I received. To be honest, the number of things I placed at a higher value than Christ was quite shameful. But once I knew these things, what was I supposed to do?

The ultimate question you have to ask yourself is: do you believe He is worthy of your trust?

My answer was, "I don’t know. I know I’m supposed to believe that, but I don’t live like I do. How do I know He is worthy? How do I know I can trust Him?"

Philippians 2:6-11 “Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Colossians 1:15-22 “ He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him”

So the question is, is He worthy? Does my life reflect the worthiness of who Jesus is? He suffered all things to purchase my life. He humbled himself and became a servant, an outcast, hated, despised, crucified… for me. So, is He worthy?

YES.

“Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs…With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them. Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)”

—The Vision, Pete Greig

I love this quote. The entire poem is impressive to say the least, but this excerpt really stood out to me this week “Whatever it takes they will give,” “Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs.” Choosing to make Jesus Lord over your life means you have to give up your rights. That sounds a bit weird doesn’t it? My first response is, I deserve certain rights!! And you know, by the world’s standards, yeah I do, but by God’s standards? He wants EVERYTHING.

And now for the nitty gritty. What exactly did God speak to me this week? I wont share everything, just because that could become quite long and I think you would probably grow tired of reading before the end, but if you want to know more, please contact me, I would love to share!!

The first thing God revealed to me this week sounds a bit strange, but it was actually a huge idol for me and also a big area of disobedience in my life. He said to me,

“Haley, you have changed things about your physical appearance to create an identity for yourself and you didn’t ask me first.”

WOW. I'm not going to lie, that was really tough to hear, but I immediately knew it was true.

Then He said, “I want you to strip yourself of all these things and allow me to create your identity”.

So what are these “things” you ask? Well, the first thing God highlighted was my hair. Yeah, that’s right, my hair. More specifically the part of my hair I dyed red just a couple of months ago. It might sound a bit silly but I felt really uneasy about dying it. But I wanted to, so I did it anyway, AND-- instant regret. God revealed that this was a place of disobedience in my life. I had tried to create an identity for myself with my hair and had been disobedient in the way I did it.

So what was my response to this revelation? I was honestly sad. Just learning about how much God loves me and how He wants to speak into everything about me, it made me sad to know that I had taken this part of my life out of His hands and tried to manufacture something that only He can truly create: my identity.

For me, the real cost was giving God the right to create my identity.

And you know what? That's actually all He wanted.

But I couldn't get this image out of my head. During worship that week, I was asking God what He wanted me to do to show Him that I trusted Him with my identity. His response was this picture: I saw myself living out Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I saw Jesus teaching me how to fly, I saw myself running effortlessly, and then I saw Jesus pick up a sword, and He handed it to me and taught me how to fight, and it was absolutely incredible. And throughout the entire vision I noticed that my hair was cut short, like really short. So, I had my answer, God wanted me to cut my hair, He wanted me to cut out the red, the reminder of my disobedience, the reminder of my idolatry, and He wanted to create a new identity for me.

Or at least that's what I thought...

Later, I was sharing this with a friend who had offered to cut my hair, and just before she started, she stopped and said, "Haley, I'm not sure about this, something doesn't feel right". So, we did the only thing we could, we stopped and prayed.

And what God said was pretty incredible (as if He is capable of anything less). There were five of us praying and what we heard had one common theme: God didn't care whether I cut my hair or not, all He wanted was my heart and my desire to have Him sit in the throne of my life.

So, why did I cut my hair?

Because every day when I see it, I'm reminded of the promise I made to Him, I'm reminded of my past mistakes and I'm reminded of His faithfulness and mercy. But, really I cut it because I wanted to physically SEE my new identity. He had given me such a clear picture of myself as His daughter and a warrior for His kingdom and I wanted to see that person every time I passed a mirror.

God is making me new. God has made me new. He's not finished with me. He will NEVER be finished with me. And I couldn't be happier about that.